Diary Entry 8

Why is this happening?

My next three assignments were at the same school. One day each week in the same class. Anything with familiarity in my back to work journey filled me with relief. I want to get used to teaching again after so much time off, and returning to the same place has so many benefits and helps this goal no end.

The first day went well. Of course I had to ask lots of questions, which always makes me feel like a novice. But I need to realise that this is expected in a new school, and doesn’t make me look like a bad teacher! I felt supported by the staff and felt that they thought I was doing a good job.

My second day I went in feeling more confident. Feeling like I was making headway. After all, I was learning names, and gaining familiarity with the school and its routines. There were a few bumps, where I felt unsure of new things I hadn’t done before. This made me begin to read negatively into the expression of the TA and made me feel a little wobbly.

As a consequence, third day in, I was less sure of myself. This probably contributed to what was going to happen. I was instructed to do an art activity, whilst the TA and I also heard some readers. Being a little out of practice, and anxious about things taking a downturn, I let things get on top of me. It was a bit noisy and messy, but I didn’t believe it was too bad.

However, when the neighbouring teacher walked in, she seemed to say to the TA ‘What’s happening in here?’, with a look of disgust on her face. I felt upset and cross, as I didn’t feel it was that bad. But it was enough to make my sensitive soul feel defeated. I felt humiliated as I watched them indiscreetly talk behind my back, and I just wanted to cry.

I managed to hold it together until the end of the afternoon, and cried in the car all the way home. Why is this happening? The week started so well, and I didn’t understand why it got progressively worse instead of better. Now of course, I can see that there are ups and downs in teaching as in many things, and that it wasn’t the end of the world. Of course it didn’t feel like that to me at the time.